Taking Back Hedy

A Lady Called Trace

Two weeks after suffering the stroke on August 13, Joanna called to see how I was feeling. We had a good visit and just before she hung up, she said,

“By the way, Mom, I don’t know if this is a good time to mention this, but since you seem to be feeling pretty good. Do you know someone by the name of Tracy Albrecht?”

“It does ring a bell. Why?” I asked, trying to appear unaffected.

“Well, this lady called me a few days ago and asked if I knew Helen Hayward. I told her yes, that you were my mother-in-law. She wanted to know if she could have your phone number and I told her I couldn’t do that because I didn’t know her. She asked if she sent you a letter to my address, would I make sure you receive it because you’re someone from her past and she would like to get in touch with you. I told her I’d be happy to give you the letter. Should I send it to you or do you want to pick it up next time you are in the valley?”

“I think you should just send it because I won’t be able to come down for another two weeks.”

I thanked Joanna for the great visit and we said good-by with I love you as we always did.

Yes! Yes! I know who Tracy Albrecht is I wanted to shout. She’s my daughter and she’s looking for me. I sat at my desk for a long time contemplating what the future had in store for me now. Holy Cow! She’s at last looking for me I kept thinking.

Would this be about Bill Vann, too. Would fate have us meet again, or at least talk on the phone? This was quite a development on the heels of a stroke.

I wouldn’t receive the letter till next week . You’ll just have to wait, Hedy. You’ve waited 28 years, a few more days won’t hurt.

I didn’t say a thing to Blake, but I knew once the letter arrived and I knew what Tracy wanted to do, I would share the contents of her letter with him. He wasn’t going to be a happy person. He would want to sweep the matter of my other daughter under the rug again and have things settle down as quickly as possible. I had other plans because I hadn’t been spared from a stroke to continue life as usual. Things would be changing one way or the other. I hoped for the better for all concerned.

The letter didn’t arrive until Wednesday. It was so hard to be patient but  on Wednesday Blake made the quarter mile walk to the mailbox. He came back with a letter addressed from Joanna. “Looks like Joanna sent you a get well card.”

He placed the mail on the table in the entry hall and went back to the garage and his project. I picked up the letter and went to my desk. As I sat down I took a deep breath. This was it; the day of reckoning. I was glad to be alone so I wouldn’t be distracted from the moment. This was my first communication from my daughter. I opened the letter and began to read. There were no tears. I’d cried plenty of them the first five years after giving up her and Bill. There was just a feeling that a circle was going to be enlarged, my family’s circle of love.

She wrote:

Dear Helen,

First, I would like to reassure you that it is not my intention to disrupt your life or to impose myself upon you. My name is Tracy Albrecht and I was born March 2, 1966 at Sutter Memorial Hospital in Sacramento, California, and I believe that you are my biological mother. If you are not, I apologize for the mistake. Please let me know if I am incorrect and I will continue searching. If you are, will you try to answer my questions? What is my heritage, my nationality? What, if any, congenital diseases, weaknesses or susceptibilities do I carry? I am very curious; almost anything you can tell me is of interest. Please contact me.

Cordially,

Tracy Albrecht

She included her phone number and address which indicated that she lived in Miami Beach, Florida.

Oh my goodness, I’d never expected her to be so far away from me. I wanted to call right that moment. However, I waited until I found the right time to tell Blake. Although I’ve always been a strong person and endured many battles, both emotional and physical, the prospect of this particular confrontation left me feeling physically weak.

I prepared dinner for us that night and cleaned my kitchen afterward. As was Blake’s usual pattern, he retired to his easy chair to watch television.

“When the next commercial comes on, I need you to come to the bedroom. I want to show you something.”

We had a large master bedroom with a sitting area where I had two comfortable chairs with a table between placed in a cozy corner. I often sat there and held many conversations with my children and grandchildren and occasionally with Blake. I figured this would be a good place to break the news to him, away from the television. He took a seat opposite me, obviously curious.

“This is what came from Joanna today. It’s a letter from my daughter.”

It seemed strange to say my daughter and not our daughter.

“Oh, Lord,” he said as the color drained from his very tan face. “I hoped this would never happen.”

“I hoped it would, Blake. Surely you understand that I need to meet this person if that’s what she desires.”

I began to read to him. He listened intently. It took just a minute or so to read her letter through again.

“I’m going to tell the children when I see them in person.”

“No way! This is no one’s business but ours,” he adamantly told me.

“I’ll keep the secret no longer, Blake. I need the world to know my past. You can’t stop me from telling them now, and we’ll let the chips fall where they may. They have a right to know.”

“Oh, my God, Helen. What are you doing?” he moaned.

“Blake, this happened a long time ago, not yesterday. This is a young woman who wants some information from me, and has a right to it. If she will allow me, I want to meet and get acquainted with her. I don’t know where it will lead us, but we didn’t know twenty nine years ago when I became pregnant where it would lead. Now it’s about to play out before us. It’s a secret I don’t want to keep from my grown children or from the rest of the world anymore. If she wants nothing more than information from me, so be it. But I still want the children to know.”

“You are making such a big mistake, Helen.”

“No, Blake, the mistake was made in 1965, not in 1994.”

He was extremely troubled, and I’m sure he had a sleepless night. I know I did. It was our habit that if one of us had a hard time sleeping, we moved to another bedroom half way through the night. This time I chose to watch Johnny Carson and settle my thoughts, so I curled up on the sofa that night.

The next morning, I called the number Tracy sent me. Feeling a bit nervous I spoke to one of her roommates who told me that Tracy was out for awhile and she would give her my message as soon as she returned. She sounded excited and said Tracy would be glad for the call. This was eighteen days after the stroke.

No call came that day. I thought perhaps Tracy was nervous, too, and might not call at all. We played phone tag until Sunday when we at last made contact, August 28, 1994.

“Hello.”

“Hello, is this Helen Hayward?”

“Yes, Tracy, this is Helen. How are you? I am thrilled to hear from you.”

“You are? I didn’t know what your reaction would be,” she continued. Her voice even sounded like me.

“I have longed for this conversation for many years, Tracy. Tell me about your life and I will tell you about mine. We can talk as long as you want.”

“I want to know everything about you,” she said.

We talked for more than an hour. She wanted to know her nationality. I told her Bill and I were both an eighth Native American Indian and also French, and I’m of Scotch and Irish ancestry I told her.

I ask her to tell me about the places she lived. She did many adventurous things on her own since she was eighteen. She went to college for awhile, and lived in Southern California and Tempe, Arizona where she worked as a manager at two large resorts and provided well for herself financially.

She said her parents divorced when she was five and at that time her mother moved her and her older sister from Sacramento to Hays, Kansas. Until that time, she lived only a few miles from me. This bit of news was ironic, in the fifth year after her birth I began to feel further away from her and I stopped crying as often.

She wanted to know about her biological father and me.

“Were you and Bill in love?”

“Yes, we were very much in love. I will forever love him. I can’t explain what I felt the first time I met him. It was as though this was the person who really was my soul mate.”

“Why did you two not stay together?” she asked.

I explained to her the many circumstances of our situation.

“I would like to find my biological father but I don’t know who he is. Your name was the only one on my birth certificate.”

“Well, I know who he is.”

“Can you contact him for me?”

“I’ll do everything I can to find him for you, I really don’t think it will be difficult to find a contact number for him.”

She was excited about the possibility of getting acquainted with both of us.

“Tracy, I love you. There’s no way for you to know that but I do. And I know Bill loves you, too. He is a very kind and gentle man and I believe he’ll be glad to know I am in contact with you.”

Her answer was more than I dreamed for.

“Oh, I know you love me. I knew many things about you at a very young age and I know you have been my guardian angel all these years, and I love you. I knew why you gave me up. The doctor told my adoptive parents that it was very difficult for you and you took a long time to make your decision. I knew at a young age that the two of you sang in the church choir and that I had three siblings.”

“That is amazing. You do know a lot about me. If we can arrange things will you meet me in person?”

“Only just as soon as I can,” she said enthusiastically. “I just

don’t know when or where, but I want to meet you right now.”

“We’ll work these things out in due time and I’ll fly to Miami Beach. First I must tell my three older children about you.”

“You would do that?”

“I’ve waited many years to do that. Now it’s time. I have no clue as to how this will be received. I’ll trust that in time they’ll be digest this most unusual piece of information, and realize I acted in what I believed was the best interest of everyone.”

“I am anxious to meet every one of you.”

We said good-by with “I love you” as if we talked every day for the past 28 years.

I felt peaceful about my life right then. It seemed as if everything was going to be okay. I had many steps to take, but in time, everything would be fine. I took a deep breath and went in to tell Blake about the talk with my daughter.

“I just had a great conversation with Tracy.”

“Does she want to meet you?”

“As soon as possible. I’ll plan a trip to Florida soon as I have a chance to tell the kids.”

He was troubled I could plainly see, but he did seem happy that we had a good talk. I knew he wanted that to be the end of it and we would go on with life as usual, but that was not in the horoscope this time.

Susanna, Frank, and Adam were coming for a long week-end visit and we would meet Matthew, Joanna, Dustin, and Wayne in Placerville at a restaurant called the Smith Flat House to celebrate my 60th birthday. They planned a surprise party for me and the planning was in progress for at least two months before the stroke. They were concerned everything would need to be cancelled, but I was doing well and excited about having dinner with the family. Susanna said Adam was dying to see his Me-ma and Joanna said Dustin missed me as well. I was on the mend and soon everything would return to normal.

I knew that the bit of news I was going to give them might cause all hell to break loose, but at least they had to be pleased I was recovering from the stroke.

Susanna and family arrived Friday evening and Adam hugged Blake and me again and again. His second birthday was less than four months away.

Dinner was prepared when they arrived. Later in the evening after Adam was in bed, Susanna and I sat on the sofa in the front guest room and chatted while Blake and Frank watched television.

“Mom, what’s going on with you? You seem so far away. Are you sure you are feeling okay?”

“Yes, I’m actually feeling good physically, but I’m a bit distracted. I do have a lot of things on my mind.”

“Like what things, Mom?” she pressed.

“Oh Susanna, dear girl, there are things that you just don’t know about,” I answered, letting the chips fall where ever.

“Like what things, Mom? I’ve always wondered; does Dad have another family?”

Oh, my goodness. I hadn’t anticipated that question but I answered without giving thought to my answer.

“Oh no honey, it’s your mom who has another family.”

Her mouth dropped open and her eyes grew large. She sat for a few seconds in silence. I watched her expressions go from shock to utter disbelief.

“Oh, my God, Mom. I had no idea.”

She began with a barrage of questions that came fast and furious. She wanted answers and she wanted them now and I gave them to her as honestly and correctly as I could.

“Joanna received a call from a young lady who wanted to get in touch with me. I received a letter from her that she sent to Joanna, and she mailed it on to me. She’s sure that I am her biological mother and I am sure also. I had the privilege of a long phone conversation with her last Sunday. She wants to talk to Bill, too, and I promised to try to reach him.”

“You had a child with Bill? But……but, how, Mom?”

I took some time to explain the love affair between Bill and me and she remembered who he was. She was simply overwhelmed with the information coming at her but wanted more.

“What is she like? Was she happy to know you, and will you two meet?”

“She’s a lovely person, responsible and articulate and yes, she wants to meet me as soon as possible. And she wants to meet you and the boys, too.”

“Oh, Mom, I can’t believe what you have endured.”

“It is okay, honey,” I tried to assure her. “My life has been good, and even though it’s not exactly the way I wanted it to be, I have few complaints. I’m blessed with an opportunity to meet my daughter at last. I have many steps to take and this is one of the steps, to inform you children about her.”

Susanna still had a million questions, which was understandable. I tried to give her the whole story in a few moments and a few hundred words.

“I gave birth to a baby girl in early March of 1966. She is a half sister to you three children. I wanted a divorce at the time, but your Dad didn’t want a divorce and he couldn’t bring himself to raise another man’s child, so I gave her up for adoption. I was attempting to do the best thing for the greater amount of people.”

“But it was not the best for you, Mom.”

“No, it wasn’t the best for me, but I’m the one who made a mess of things so I had a greater debt to pay. My choices were limited, but I did everything I could to keep things smooth for you, Matthew, and Wayne. And I did what appeared to me the best thing for my unborn child, I gave her a level playing field.”

“So what about you and Bill, were you in love and if so, are you still in love?”

“We were very in much love. I’m still in love with him. I have spoken to him only once in 30 years, so he has no way of knowing how I feel, and I sure don’t know how he feels.”

Our intense conversation was interrupted when the guys called out from the living room and asked when the dessert was going to be served. I told her we’d continue the conversation on Saturday or later in the evening.

“Can I tell Frank the story?”

“Sure. He has to know sooner or later.”

Saturday she had more questions every chance we had alone. Frank came to me at one point, put his arms around me and said, “Me-ma, it doesn’t matter what went on in your life. I love you. You are the best. You need to meet your daughter and everything will turn out fine.” I hugged and thanked him.

Susanna and I left the two guys to care for Adam when he went down for a nap, and drove to Auburn for a little shopping and to spend more time talking. I answered her questions as best I could, but it seemed like one answer called up ten more questions. She remembered at age 12 being told I was pregnant, but there might be problems and we didn’t know how things would go. Of course she had no idea what had transpired after that. She turned thirteen less than two months after Tracy was born. She was fascinated by the whole story, but a time would come when her emotions would run wild and the urge to strangle her mother for messing up everyone’s life would be strong; Adam’s life in particular. It would take me a long time to get on top of this mess.

Saturday evening came and it was time to make the winding mountainous drive to Placerville. The rest of the family would meet us there. I was always anxious to have my family with me and I reflected on how blessed I was to recover from the stroke with no visible signs of damage. I still struggled with certain words, but otherwise I had my speech back.

When we arrived at the Old Smith Flat House, which was a hotel and bar in the early part of the century and now a restaurant, Matthew, Joanna and Dustin were waiting for us. Wayne would be along later; which was his modus operandi. We greeted each other with hugs.

“Let me show you to the table, Mom,” Matt said as he guided me into the large dining room.

As I stepped around the corner with him and the rest of the family following, there was a sudden roar of “Happy birthday, Helen” and then people burst into the song. Susanna had really pulled this one off. I suspected nothing, and for weeks before the stroke friends were calling her secretly to book their reservations for dinner. They held their breath when the stroke occurred, hoping a cancellation would not be necessary. I was so excited to see everyone. First I hugged each of my family and then went from table to table to greet, hug and thank them for honoring my big day. Dustin was thrilled their plotting was a success. He said, “I could tell you were really surprised, Me-ma.”

I was, indeed. As they were singing happy birthday, I looked around this room full of people I considered my friends and wondered how many would be left to support me when my secret was out. Some of them were our friends and neighbors since 1957 when we bought the house in Fair Oaks. Young and older people alike attended. One male friend from the mountain area near us asked what birthday this was for me. I told him number sixty.

“No way! I thought maybe fifty,” he said.

“Okay. Okay. You get an extra hug for that,” I laughed.

It was such a nice party. Whatever table I visited, Dustin and Adam were beside me. Susanna’s friend, Valerie, took pictures of the event and the boys appeared in most of the shots with me. I will keep those memories in my heart forever. I wanted the party to continue for a long time. It’s the best birthday celebration I ever had.